To Find Someone Special Look in the Mirror

To Find Someone Special Look in the Mirror

We need attention, approval and affection. If unavailable, we learn to make choices based upon the responses of others in hopes to get or to avoid things. We learned to please, to avoid disappointing and to settle for less than what we need. We might have learned that denying our needs demonstrates love and dedication.

We were set up to look outside ourselves for love.

Trying to change ourselves to please someone or expecting them to change to please us is unreasonable. Waiting for a person to give us something that they are unable or unwilling to share is an exercise in futility. They might not even have the capacity to give it to themselves. It is self deception to expect others to adapt or change to meet our needs and wants. Unconditional love accepts and wants what is best for all involved.

The real issue is the need to love our self.

We keep looking to others to make us feel secure. No other person can make us feel secure. No person is going to make it OK for us. We have to make life good for ourselves. We can do this. It means we must redirect our energy from thinking that a relationship will make life better to “I am responsible for making my life feel secure and enjoyable.”

Treating ourselves with respect through excellent self care results in feeling worthy, accepted, important and secure. Security does not arise from reassurance of others. We must gain self knowledge and self acceptance. We embrace our worthiness and learn to love who we are. We become able to discern what we need and want. Knowing security and happiness within ourselves makes it easier to share. This enables us to love and care for others.

When we are enjoying life, we have energy available to date.

Dating is risky. It takes a lot of energy, curiosity, and time. There is no guaranteed outcome. We must avoid impatience or the intoxication trap of infatuation. We date to get to know each other. We maintain respect. Our goal is to find out who this person is and if we like them. We also find out who we are in relation to the other and if we like who we are in this role. It takes time to see if we are willing and able to offer each other what we want and need. Dating to find “the one” frames the person we are trying to get to know in terms of their ability to meet our fantasy rather than allowing us to find out who they really are. In doing this we attempt to control the uncontrollable.

We can love someone dearly while wanting different things. Wanting more than what another person is able or willing to give does not make us wrong, nor does it obligate the other to try to meet our needs. We cannot expect to get security and commitment from a person who wants independence. Craving security and settling down is a preference. If this is our preference, we need to honor it by focusing our attention on making ourselves feel secure. We can practice unconditional love that allows each of us to be who we are. If it does not fit, don’t force it. There is no bad guy. We love ourselves enough. Our well being no longer depends upon the words and actions of another. It is ours.

Peace, Cindi

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