Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
Childhood Neglect Codependent behavior is generational. Parents that lack the experience of unconditional love are ill equipped to offer this to their offspring. Children that are not nurtured and cherished as individuals feel abandoned, hopeless and without value.
Neglected children learn not to feel what they feel, that it is not OK to be who they are and that they will never be good enough. Children learn that what the parents need and want is more important than what they need and want. The message is that in order to be loved, to be a good person, you must take care of others and ask for nothing in return. Children learn to get love by rescuing and feel guilty asking for care.
These children will feel shame. They begin to bury their hopes and dreams in an effort to become the person they think they must become to get what they need. A childhood full of unmet needs can create the belief that with enough self sacrifice feeling needed and loved can finally be experienced.
Codependency is not love Codependency is not a sign of weakness, but can be confused with caring about another person. Making someone’s crisis your own, allowing your emotional state to be determined by another person instead of holding space for your own thoughts, needs and feelings is codependent. Caring is not detrimental to the self but codependency is.
Codependency is pacifying someone out of fear of what they might do if you don’t. Codependents need to be needed because they believe that someone will stay with them only if that person is dependent on them. The codependent person feels resentful and unappreciated for their care taking and extreme self negation. Fear of making a mistake, exposed as being not enough, unlovable and potentially abandoned drive the will to try harder rather than leave a dysfunctional relationship.
Breaking out of the Codependent Loop
Taking an honest look at yourself can help you meet your goals and alleviate stress. Staying in your head, trying to figure things out is an avoidance strategy. Be mindful of how your feel. Our emotional energy signal our attention to threatened needs. What are you feeling? Get in touch with the feelings that come up. Feel the anger, shame, pain, or sadness. Stop wasting your precious energy in holding back uncomfortable feelings! Feeling are meant to be felt, moved through and released to heal.
Let go of the illusion of control. Work to accept that you CANNOT CONTROL what other people do or what they think. It is easy to lose sight of yourself if you spend your time and energy trying to control or fix someone else. Explore your likes, dislikes, needs, desires, thoughts, and feelings. Expecting someone to fulfill you is a setup for heartbreak. Do things you enjoy on your own. This helps you experience self-fulfillment and know that it comes from within.
Be firm, but calm when setting boundaries. Do not let others push you into going against your values. Detaching emotionally from their chaos does not mean you do not care. Cherish your health and peace of mind. Peace of mind is too valuable to squander on another person’s unhealthy decisions. Know that you will be doing the best thing for both of you. Having boundaries is not selfish, it is necessary for you to love someone while taking care of yourself.
